Advanced Breast Cancer Group: The courage of choosing life over battle

In the face of a terminal diagnosis, some individuals choose acceptance over a battle.

The battle metaphor

The language surrounding cancer often evokes images of a battle - fighting, beating, and battling the disease. While this metaphor resonates with many facing a cancer diagnosis, some opt for a different path when dealing with a terminal prognosis.

Acceptance, not surrender

For a select group, there is no battle cry; there is acceptance. This isn't resignation or surrender but a courageous decision to embrace a terminal diagnosis. This acceptance carries profound weight, but it also brings a genuine awareness of mortality, channelling one's energy towards a life of quality over quantity.

The journey to acceptance

Members of the Advanced Breast Cancer Group, a support network for women with terminal breast cancer, led by psychotherapists Mary O'Brien and Pia Hirsch, have traversed varying degrees of acceptance. This journey is unique for each individual, characterised by stages, setbacks and fluctuations in emotions.

"Often, when women first join our group, they are very distressed and have a feeling that they are going to die immediately," Mary says. "As they spend time with the group, and they see other women who are living longer, that sense of immediate panic is replaced with something calmer and accepting."

"The privilege of the orange light"

One woman in the group poetically described this process as "the privilege of the orange light." Drawing an analogy with traffic lights, they consider it a chance to anticipate the future and make immediate changes to maximise the time left. This privilege means different things to different women.

Choices in the face of acceptance

For some, this acceptance leads to early retirement to embark on trips or spend time with loved ones. Others use this time to establish support systems for their families after they're gone. Some even make more radical changes, like ending unhealthy relationships or mending long-broken ones.

A positive outlook

Contrary to what one might expect, accepting a terminal diagnosis doesn't equate to living in fear or depression.

"These women are not bitter, or angry," Mary says. "They are not focused on the cancer, or why this happened to them. Of course, there are good days and bad days, but they have come to a place of understanding and acceptance."

The role of the Advanced Breast Cancer Group

The Advanced Breast Cancer Group plays a pivotal role in these women's lives. It serves as a safe space where they can come to terms with their diagnosis at their own pace, discussing it openly with others who genuinely understand their situation. Providing a supportive environment for acceptance and the myriad emotions that come with it, is a core aspect of the group's mission.

Group support

The Advanced Breast Cancer Group, in operation since 1999, meets weekly, currently via Zoom due to Covid-19. Their meetings lack set topics or guest speakers. Instead, they let the women lead the discussions, offering insights when needed.

"At a very basic level, our job is to turn up each week and hold the meeting," Pia says. "We don't have set topics, we don't have guest speakers. We let the women determine what is discussed, and offer insights if we have something to contribute."

"We listen, and do our best to contain the emotional experience," Mary says. "Sometimes there is anger, frustration and great sadness, but there is also a great deal of support and laughter and positivity. We get to hear a lot of great news, treatments that are going well, or wonderful holidays, little milestones that mean so much."

Acceptance from the outside

Accepting a terminal diagnosis often proves to be a more challenging journey for those outside the affected individual. Society often leans towards rallying against the diagnosis, encouraging phrases like "you'll beat this" or "keep fighting." While this support can offer hope and strength, it's equally important to acknowledge and celebrate the bravery behind those who choose to accept their diagnosis and make every day count.

Supporting the 'Orange Light' Privilege

In the face of a terminal diagnosis, some individuals choose acceptance over a battle. It is a perspective that encourages making the most of the time left rather than waging a battle against an inevitable outcome.

To learn more about or donate to this invaluable group, visit advancedbreastcancergroup.org.au.

Originally published as "The Privilege of the 'Orange' Light"